I'm normally a private person, but this week I'm feeling pretty emotional and that's what this blog is about, right? I thought I would open up about how precious my daughter is to me.
My husband and I got married in Aug 2007; decided we to try for a family soon after. We were told to not expect to get pregnant right away, to have fun and not stress. So that's what we did. I have very regular periods, so I knew we wouldn't have any problems at the time. Every month went by with anticipation and excitement, but after a year of trying it started turning into a job, getting less exciting leaving us asking ourselves what were we doing wrong? By then some of my friends and family had fell pregnant, and it took every ounce of me to be happy. I was happy for them don't get be wrong, but deep down I was torn because it wasn't our turn. We also lived in Indiana at the time, which also left us a empty heart with no family support there.
Then finally, the good news came-- I found out I was prego the day my nephew was born, Oct. 2008. I can still remember to this day, the excitement running through my head. I had even went out crazy shopping, and bought tons of baby things. I couldn't help myself. But, after much excitement, telling everyone, I miscarried at 11 weeks long. Something I wanna never re-live; nor should any women in my opinion. It was Thanksgiving weekend, living in Indiana--alone...horrible. I had to have a D&C done.
After, my husband and I took sometime to regain our strength, heal from a loss that was so bearing on us. It was a few months after when I noticed something was wrong....horribly wrong. When a women knows their body--they know, right? I knew after something as traumatic as I went through, it takes some time for your body to heal and get back to normal, but my body was telling me something else. I noticed I wasn't having a period--my body would act like I was getting one; pms, cramping, bloating.....but no blood?? I called the Dr, but she refused to see me as she said it was normal??? So after a few months of going through that, the crazy person I am, I started looking online. Period symptoms, no blood = Asherman's Syndrome?? Never heard of it but once I stared reading I got scared. Scarring of the uterus from a D&C, the walls of my uterus scarred shut. At the time, it was very rare, only 1500 cases, could I be the next victim? There's no way. I demanded a Dr's apt to discuss which she denied it. She even put me on a bunch of hormone drugs to get my period started. No success. Finally after I demanded test to get answers; I was right. I had Asherman's Syndrome.
It was now April 09', having a new Dr to get a second opinion, several test later, my uterus was severely damaged. They only option I had was to have surgery to try to repair the damage. There was no garuntee that it would work, or even worse it could damage it even more, or it would heal but eventually grow back. Either way, I couldn't get pregnant with having that kind of damage, and it had made my chances of having my own family slim to none. I had no choice to try the surgery. It wasn't fair, how could something like that happened to me? I was normal before and just because of a Dr's mistake changed everything for my future. I was devastated. More devastated because not ONE person I knew including most nurses knew what AS was. I gave it a thought, surgery it was, I had no other choice. By then, we were working on 2 years of wanting a family and here I was stuck in a world of no answers when I was once healthy and was able to get pregnant on my own! After that surgery, my scar tissue grew back.
In Oct. 09, my husband and I decided we needed to move home, regain our lives and try to find a new Dr that would help us. In the meantime, I had joined the AS group, where all the women who have this syndrome would go there for support. It's really all I had, no one else understood. I also didn't give up, as I read lots of success stories on there. I hoped someday, I could do the same. The AS girls all suggested I see a Dr specialized in AS, which is only in L.A. In March 2010, I decided to just see a regular obgyn again to see what she would say. I was scared because I felt like if I let everyone perform on my women parts over and over, it will just make it worse. I took the chance though. Dr. Kota performed her first AS surgery ever, which involved a very intensive repair working on my uterus, inserting a balloon catheter for 10 days to help heal the walls of the uterus to prevent them from touching. She wanted me to get pregnant w/in 4 months of the surgery before we had a chance of the scarring to return. In the meantime, my husband and I decided to build a home that summer; it kept our minds busy and off the situation.
It was June/July of 2010 when I got told that my scar tissue had already grown back. At that very moment, we gave up. Immediately we knew God had other plans for us. We accepted the fact, and right went into getting our homestudy done to adpot. We knew it could take years to adopt a newborn baby, so we didn't want to waste time.
Then...it happened. We moved into our new home the end of August. 1 month after living in our new home; the morning after our case worker left our house to interview us for our homestudy..............the news I thought I would never see again. A POSITIVE. I was pregnant??? Words can't explain the excitement, how scared, anxious, happy, sick to my stomach I was. I didn't know if it was good news knowing I had AS but I knew it was in Gods hands to deliver. Needless to say, I was super quiet my entire pregnancy; I was nervous until I held my precious baby in my hands. I was so quiet, a lot of people didn't even know I was pregnant. Part of it was I was scared to death. It wasn't like I didn't deserve it because I did--everyone women deserves to experience pregnancy. I just wanted to be respectful to that person who I once was--I didn't want to hurt them. I spotted my entire first trimester which was nerve racking, but ended up having a very uneventful pregnancy. We also put our homestudy on hold, and hopefully some day we will proceed with it. :-)
This story is intended to let those of you know who are dealing with infertility that God does do things for a reason. It may not sounds right at that exact moment. You might be angry with him because of it. BUT it's ok to cry, it's ok to hate, it's ok to be distant..............why? Because I know how you are feeling. But one thing I will tell you, don't give up, please don't--everything does happen for a reason.
It has not only made my husband and I realize how much love we have for our daughter (who is now 9 months old), but it's brought us close together as a couple. And to make a good ending to my story, I had to have a c-section due to a breech baby :-). I had the Dr. check things out during surgery; my scarring has healed 100%. Pregnancy healed me!!
